Fat people are a force to reckon with

I have just discovered the real source of global warming and revelation weighs heavily on my soul.

According to a study done by the School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine in the International Journal of Epidemiology, fat people consume more food than skinny people. Don't laugh, more obviousness is coming. Therefore, since fat people eat more, it requires more food to feed them causing the food industry to burn more energy and create more greenhouse gases. The study goes further to point out that when they travel, they consume more fuel. Captain Obvious strikes again!

According to reporter Ben Hirschler at reuters.com, scientists "[estimate] that each fat person is responsible for about one tonne of carbon dioxide emissions a year more on average than each thin person, adding up to an extra one billion tonnes of CO2 a year in a population of one billion overweight people." That is a a ton of fat CO2. Did you know that a ton of fat CO2 weighs nearly the same as a metric ton of pure revenge? Could it be that fat people are getting back at the world for all the cottage cheese thigh jokes? If that's true, I am willing to do my part. Someone send me a Big Mac, extra mayo. GO FAT WORLD DOMINATION!

But I wanted to know more so I dug more into this nefarious plot of supersized proportions. Last year, GreenDaily.com published an article highlighting bovine flatulence as Greenhouses' unappreciated red-headed step child. No one cares that although it's only 3rd on the list of offenders it "is 23 times more effective at trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide; even though methane emissions are far below those of carbon dioxide."

Wow, this means that if I go get a Double-Double at In-N-Out, I'm sticking it to the skinny man with a double wammy. Yeah! Give me a four-by-four with animal style fries sir. I need to destroy all humans through my belly! Suffer the wrath of overeating you healthy dieters!

And as I see it, fat people are winning this war. 66% of adults are obese or overweight meaning we have a large advantage over our smaller opponents. Since, there are twice as many fat people as skinny people and 1 fat person can sit on two skin people at a time, we would only have to use 25% of our fat forces. If any escape into their hideouts we can flush them out with our farts. Who's gonna crack fat jokes then when fat folk are farting all around the world? Who's laughing now!

FAT FARTERS OF AMERICA UNITE!