Get your NTCT's Calendar today! Complete with Anthrax, plastic explosives and Top 50 Most Wanted

The National Counterterrorism Center has just dropped their latest edition on the American internet that Al Gore invented. I know, I know, stop taking shots at Democrats.

But it's so fun mommy!

Anyway, here is how the NTCT describes this wonderful product:

"The National Counterterrorism Center is pleased to present the 2009 edition of the Counterterrorism (CT) Calendar. This edition, like others since the Calendar was first published in a daily planner format in 2003, contains useful information across a wide range of terrorism-related topics: terrorist groups, wanted terrorists, and technical pages on various threat-related issues. The Calendar marks dates according to the Gregorian and Islamic calendars, and contains significant dates in terrorism history, as well as dates that terrorists may believe are important when planning “commemoration-style” attacks."

"Commemoration-style" attacks? What does that look like?

Terrorist: "Saad Elkhadem Min Aqwal Al-Arab Wa-Tashbihatihim Alb-Sadabiyah"

Translation: I dedicate this great act of blowing myself up, in which I shall punish the infidel and reap eternal bliss with all my virginal property, to my mom. Oh, and to praise to Allah!

Now, each day that I see the mug of a terrorist who wants to kill me won't seem as bad unless, of course, it is a commemorative day in which I should curl up into the fetal position and cry while I shake uncontrollably in the dark. Thanks NCTC.

But really, the calendar has some useful information like being at least 7,000ft from an exploding semi or 1,850ft from an suitcase fireball may keep my head recognizable.

My favorite fun fact is found in the section about Indicators of a Possible Chemical Incident. If you look at the table under unexplained odors.

"Smells ranging from fruity to flowery to sharp/pungent to garlic/horseradish-like to bitter almonds/peach kernels to newly mown hay; the particular odor is completely out of character with its surroundings."

OMG!!! I farted today and I swear it covered the gamete listed there! But wait...

Fruity to flower? Sharp/pungent? garlic to horseradish? newly mown hay? out of character?

So, what you're telling me is if I roll up into someone's house, who I know can't cook, and I walk in smelling potpourri, see some garlic bread, prime rib with horseradish and peach cobbler for desert...

The government is telling me to run like hell? I don't think so.

I'm gonna die in that house with with my lips savoring every tantalizing bite. My taste buds are salivating just thinking about my death.

Here I come heaven. Please forgive me for the chemical fart incident from earlier...