Fat people are a force to reckon with

I have just discovered the real source of global warming and revelation weighs heavily on my soul.

According to a study done by the School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine in the International Journal of Epidemiology, fat people consume more food than skinny people. Don't laugh, more obviousness is coming. Therefore, since fat people eat more, it requires more food to feed them causing the food industry to burn more energy and create more greenhouse gases. The study goes further to point out that when they travel, they consume more fuel. Captain Obvious strikes again!

According to reporter Ben Hirschler at reuters.com, scientists "[estimate] that each fat person is responsible for about one tonne of carbon dioxide emissions a year more on average than each thin person, adding up to an extra one billion tonnes of CO2 a year in a population of one billion overweight people." That is a a ton of fat CO2. Did you know that a ton of fat CO2 weighs nearly the same as a metric ton of pure revenge? Could it be that fat people are getting back at the world for all the cottage cheese thigh jokes? If that's true, I am willing to do my part. Someone send me a Big Mac, extra mayo. GO FAT WORLD DOMINATION!

But I wanted to know more so I dug more into this nefarious plot of supersized proportions. Last year, GreenDaily.com published an article highlighting bovine flatulence as Greenhouses' unappreciated red-headed step child. No one cares that although it's only 3rd on the list of offenders it "is 23 times more effective at trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide; even though methane emissions are far below those of carbon dioxide."

Wow, this means that if I go get a Double-Double at In-N-Out, I'm sticking it to the skinny man with a double wammy. Yeah! Give me a four-by-four with animal style fries sir. I need to destroy all humans through my belly! Suffer the wrath of overeating you healthy dieters!

And as I see it, fat people are winning this war. 66% of adults are obese or overweight meaning we have a large advantage over our smaller opponents. Since, there are twice as many fat people as skinny people and 1 fat person can sit on two skin people at a time, we would only have to use 25% of our fat forces. If any escape into their hideouts we can flush them out with our farts. Who's gonna crack fat jokes then when fat folk are farting all around the world? Who's laughing now!

FAT FARTERS OF AMERICA UNITE!

Get your NTCT's Calendar today! Complete with Anthrax, plastic explosives and Top 50 Most Wanted

The National Counterterrorism Center has just dropped their latest edition on the American internet that Al Gore invented. I know, I know, stop taking shots at Democrats.

But it's so fun mommy!

Anyway, here is how the NTCT describes this wonderful product:

"The National Counterterrorism Center is pleased to present the 2009 edition of the Counterterrorism (CT) Calendar. This edition, like others since the Calendar was first published in a daily planner format in 2003, contains useful information across a wide range of terrorism-related topics: terrorist groups, wanted terrorists, and technical pages on various threat-related issues. The Calendar marks dates according to the Gregorian and Islamic calendars, and contains significant dates in terrorism history, as well as dates that terrorists may believe are important when planning “commemoration-style” attacks."

"Commemoration-style" attacks? What does that look like?

Terrorist: "Saad Elkhadem Min Aqwal Al-Arab Wa-Tashbihatihim Alb-Sadabiyah"

Translation: I dedicate this great act of blowing myself up, in which I shall punish the infidel and reap eternal bliss with all my virginal property, to my mom. Oh, and to praise to Allah!

Now, each day that I see the mug of a terrorist who wants to kill me won't seem as bad unless, of course, it is a commemorative day in which I should curl up into the fetal position and cry while I shake uncontrollably in the dark. Thanks NCTC.

But really, the calendar has some useful information like being at least 7,000ft from an exploding semi or 1,850ft from an suitcase fireball may keep my head recognizable.

My favorite fun fact is found in the section about Indicators of a Possible Chemical Incident. If you look at the table under unexplained odors.

"Smells ranging from fruity to flowery to sharp/pungent to garlic/horseradish-like to bitter almonds/peach kernels to newly mown hay; the particular odor is completely out of character with its surroundings."

OMG!!! I farted today and I swear it covered the gamete listed there! But wait...

Fruity to flower? Sharp/pungent? garlic to horseradish? newly mown hay? out of character?

So, what you're telling me is if I roll up into someone's house, who I know can't cook, and I walk in smelling potpourri, see some garlic bread, prime rib with horseradish and peach cobbler for desert...

The government is telling me to run like hell? I don't think so.

I'm gonna die in that house with with my lips savoring every tantalizing bite. My taste buds are salivating just thinking about my death.

Here I come heaven. Please forgive me for the chemical fart incident from earlier...