Fat people are a force to reckon with

I have just discovered the real source of global warming and revelation weighs heavily on my soul.

According to a study done by the School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine in the International Journal of Epidemiology, fat people consume more food than skinny people. Don't laugh, more obviousness is coming. Therefore, since fat people eat more, it requires more food to feed them causing the food industry to burn more energy and create more greenhouse gases. The study goes further to point out that when they travel, they consume more fuel. Captain Obvious strikes again!

According to reporter Ben Hirschler at reuters.com, scientists "[estimate] that each fat person is responsible for about one tonne of carbon dioxide emissions a year more on average than each thin person, adding up to an extra one billion tonnes of CO2 a year in a population of one billion overweight people." That is a a ton of fat CO2. Did you know that a ton of fat CO2 weighs nearly the same as a metric ton of pure revenge? Could it be that fat people are getting back at the world for all the cottage cheese thigh jokes? If that's true, I am willing to do my part. Someone send me a Big Mac, extra mayo. GO FAT WORLD DOMINATION!

But I wanted to know more so I dug more into this nefarious plot of supersized proportions. Last year, GreenDaily.com published an article highlighting bovine flatulence as Greenhouses' unappreciated red-headed step child. No one cares that although it's only 3rd on the list of offenders it "is 23 times more effective at trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide; even though methane emissions are far below those of carbon dioxide."

Wow, this means that if I go get a Double-Double at In-N-Out, I'm sticking it to the skinny man with a double wammy. Yeah! Give me a four-by-four with animal style fries sir. I need to destroy all humans through my belly! Suffer the wrath of overeating you healthy dieters!

And as I see it, fat people are winning this war. 66% of adults are obese or overweight meaning we have a large advantage over our smaller opponents. Since, there are twice as many fat people as skinny people and 1 fat person can sit on two skin people at a time, we would only have to use 25% of our fat forces. If any escape into their hideouts we can flush them out with our farts. Who's gonna crack fat jokes then when fat folk are farting all around the world? Who's laughing now!

FAT FARTERS OF AMERICA UNITE!

Fat kids walking here!

I came across this photo that I took with my iPhone a few weeks ago. I can't remember what magazine this came out of but Janelle gets the credit for showing it to me. Kudos to the wife for finding little gems like this...ahem **cough cough**...big gems like this.

I decided to look for the actual ad in a magazine, hoping by chance it would be searchable by The Greatness, that is google search. Unfortunately, I will never know because I was sidetracked by the copious amounts of material on the internet about child obesity. Oh, the horrors of tubby toddlery. When will the tyrannical rule of big business advertisements end? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

I tippy-toed through some of the material looking for my golden goose and happened upon another. Shall I enter your brain and push the absurdity and hilarity buttons? Come, let us make fun of the world together.

Today's blessing of fate comes from Mothering Magazine and tells us how to teach children about "size acceptance." Hehehehe, my insides are spilling out in the form of smiles.

Allow me to quote Nancy Summer's approach to teaching children about size acceptance:

"Nancy Summer, a leader in the size-acceptance movement, actually invites children to insult her during the workshops she conducts with sixth graders. Nancy herself is very large, and the children hesitate to insult her. However, in one class a girl looked her in the eye and said, “Horse!” Nancy asked the class to keep the animals coming. “Whale! Elephant!” they yelled. “Cow! Pig!” She joyfully wrote all of these animals down, then discussed with the class how beautiful these animals really were in their own rights."

"She's a huge..." -Duece Bigalow, Male Gigalo

Now, let just qualify for a moment. Nancy's approach is unorthodox, direct, and may be very effective. However...However...I just want to be there when she does this. I want to see the first kid break the silence. I also would like to be there when the "You're mom.." jokes become "You're so fat..." I think our kids might become better insulters.

Can you imagine being the teacher in this classroom? Your students, all of whom have heeded some control or another during the day, exploding in an uproar of "BEHEMOTH!" or acting out what a pig looks and sounds like, would kill me. I could not keep from laughing.

At first, I would feel bad for Nancy, but then I would see she has a thick skin.